When His Body Doesn’t Cooperate
Dear Ladies,
Let’s talk about erectile dysfunction.
And let’s promise each other we won’t be toxic about it.
Because while erectile dysfunction shows up in men’s bodies, it often lives and dies in the relational space between two people.
And yes, sometimes that space needs a little honest air.
First things first: this is not a desire problem
When a man struggles with erections, the most common internal reaction for women is some version of:
“Is it me?”
“Are you not attracted to me anymore?”
“Did I do something wrong?”
I get it. Those questions come from vulnerability, not vanity.
But here’s the clinical truth:
Erectile dysfunction is rarely about lack of attraction.
An erection is a neurovascular event regulated by the nervous system. Blood flow, nerves, hormones, and emotional safety all have to cooperate. When stress, fear, pressure, or shame show up, erections often disappear.
No amount of wanting, loving, or trying harder overrides that physiology.
American Urological Association
https://www.auanet.org/guidelines/erectile-dysfunction
“But he’s healthy… and he’s on medication”
Many of my clients come in saying:
Hormones are normal
Medical workups are clear
Medication is prescribed and taken correctly
And yet, erectile dysfunction persists.
This is where couples get stuck.
Because when biology is mostly ruled out and erections still aren’t reliable, the missing piece is often emotional safety.
Medication can help blood flow.
It cannot calm a nervous system that is bracing for disappointment.
Let’s talk about performance anxiety (because it’s brutal)
Men are taught, quietly and relentlessly, that their worth is tied to their ability to perform. Erections are visible, measurable, and loaded with meaning.
Once erectile dysfunction happens even once, a loop often begins:
“What if it happens again?”
“What if she looks sad?”
“What if she cries?”
“What if she thinks it’s because she’s unattractive?”
“What if I hurt her?”
“What if I can’t keep it hard?”
That internal monologue does not stop.
And here’s the part many women don’t realize:
He is often managing his anxiety and yours at the same time.
That pressure alone can shut an erection down.
When our reactions unintentionally make things worse
This is the wake-up call part.
When erectile dysfunction happens and the response is:
Visible disappointment
Withdrawal
Tears in the moment
Needing reassurance right then
Making it about your attractiveness
The message his nervous system receives is:
“If I don’t perform, I hurt her.”
Now sex is no longer about pleasure or connection.
It becomes about preventing emotional fallout.
That is not arousing. That is terrifying.
Let’s be honest here. Sometimes it is “about you,” but not because you aren’t desirable. It’s because shame, pressure, guilt, and fear do not coexist with erections.
That’s not cruelty. That’s physiology.
Why this is hard for women to grasp
Women’s sexual anatomy does not require a single visible event to proceed. Arousal can build slowly. Lubrication can be helped along. Desire can exist even if the body needs support.
Men are wired differently.
When erectile dysfunction is present, it does not matter how badly he wants to please you, how attracted he is, or how much he loves you. If the “little soldier” is not at attention, it’s simply not happening.
You cannot encouragement-speech an erection into existence.
So… let’s not be toxic
Let’s stop:
Making erections the measure of desire
Centering our own insecurity in the moment
Treating erectile dysfunction like a personal rejection
Expecting men to override their nervous systems to protect our feelings
And let’s start:
Being curious instead of accusatory
Valuing connection over outcome
Creating safety instead of pressure
What actually helps (and often brings erections back)
Curiosity over interpretation
Instead of “What’s wrong?” try “What’s happening for you right now?”
Decentering penetration
Pleasure does not require an erection. Full stop. Touch, oral sex, sensual play, and closeness matter.
Reassurance that doesn’t demand performance
“I’m here. We don’t have to fix anything tonight.”
That sentence alone can regulate a nervous system.
Looking at the relationship climate
Unresolved conflict, resentment, power struggles, or emotional disconnection often show up in the bedroom first. Erectile dysfunction can be the messenger, not the problem.
AASECT resources on sensate focus and sex therapy
https://www.aasect.org
A final, loving reality check
Erectile dysfunction is not a failure of masculinity.
It is not a lack of desire.
And it is not solved by pressure, disappointment, or self-centering reactions.
When women shift from “Is it me?” to “How can we feel safe together?”, something powerful happens.
And very often, erections follow not because they were demanded, but because they were finally allowed.
