It’s My Boundary!” …Or Is It?
These days, the word boundaries are everywhere. It’s become a buzzword we sprinkle into conversations like salt on avocado toast. You’ll hear people say, “That’s a boundary for me,” or “I’m setting a boundary,” and while that’s great in theory, let’s be real: not everyone using the word actually knows what it means.
So let’s talk about it.
Boundaries aren’t walls. They’re not ultimatums. And they’re definitely not weapons you use to avoid uncomfortable conversations. Boundaries are simply the limits, rules, or lines we set to protect our comfort, safety, and energy — both physically and emotionally. They help us communicate our needs clearly and honestly while allowing others the opportunity to respect those needs.
In short? Boundaries help relationships grow not die.
Boundaries Are Not the Same as Control
Somewhere along the way, we confused boundaries with emotional lockdown. I hear things like:
“I’m not doing that, it’s my boundary.”
But when I ask, “What part of that makes you feel unsafe or disrespected?” I’m met with silence… or defensiveness.
Let me gently say this: a boundary is not a way to avoid discomfort or dodge intimacy. It’s not a mic drop. It’s a conversation.
True boundaries sound more like this:
“I’m not comfortable with [X] because it makes me feel [Y]. I’m open to talking about it, but right now, I need [Z] in order to feel safe/respected/connected.”
See the difference? The first is a hard stop. The second invites a conversation, rooted in self-awareness, vulnerability, and self-respect.
The Purpose of a Boundary
Boundaries are there to protect your well-being, not punish your partner. Healthy boundaries help you:
Say no without overexplaining or apologizing
Ask for space without guilt
Speak your truth with clarity
Take responsibility for your emotions and needs
They’re how we say: “Here’s what works for me, and here’s what doesn’t.” And when done well, they don’t push people away, they help people understand how to get closer to you in a way that feels safe and mutual.
But What If Your Boundary Gets Questioned?
This is a big one. A lot of people think that if someone asks them why a boundary exists, it means they’re being disrespected. But asking questions isn’t the same as bulldozing.
A respectful partner might say:
“Can you help me understand why this is a no for you?”
or
“What would make this feel safer for you?”
And your job isn’t to snap back with, “You’re not respecting my boundary!”
It’s to get curious. Reflect. Communicate.
If it feels impossible to have a calm, open conversation about your needs without feeling under attack, then yes, pause and ask yourself:
Do I trust this person to have my best interest in mind?
If not, that may be where the real work begins.
Final Thoughts
Setting boundaries is not about control, manipulation, or emotional avoidance. It’s about connection, safety, and self-respect. It’s saying:
“Here’s how to love me in a way that works for both of us.”
So the next time you're tempted to yell "That’s my boundary!" mid-argument, pause. Breathe. And ask yourself:
Am I protecting myself, or am I avoiding something?
Be patient. Be clear. Be brave enough to stay in the conversation.
Struggling to set boundaries without guilt or confusion? Or maybe you’ve been told your boundaries feel more like walls than bridges? I help individuals and couples learn how to communicate their needs without losing connection. Let’s talk about what healthy boundaries can look like in your life and relationships.
Reach out here to book a session.
