Fake It Till You Make It? Why Faking Orgasms Is Ruining Your Sex Life (and How to Stop)

Okay ladies, this one is for you.

Please. Stop. Faking. Orgasms.

You would not believe how many people end up in my office because of this. On one side, I have someone convinced he possesses a magical penis because every woman he has ever slept with apparently had the performance of her lifetime.

Sir. We both know you don't.

On the other side, I have men looking absolutely defeated because their partner didn't orgasm, and somehow that has become evidence that they are inadequate, undesirable, or failing as a man.

We have created a mess.

First, most women do not reliably orgasm from penile-vaginal penetration alone. The clitoris is generally going to need to be invited to this party.

So why are you lying there like a starfish, pretending you're having the most AMAZING sex of your life while internally wondering how much longer this is going to take?

Participate in your own pleasure.

Touch yourself. Communicate. Move. Ask for what feels good. Redirect when something doesn't. Bring in a vibrator if you enjoy one. Tell your partner, “Right there,” “slower,” “more pressure,” or whatever helps your body experience pleasure.

Because here's the problem with faking it:

You're giving your partner false feedback.

If you perform an orgasm every time they do X, why would they ever stop doing X? As far as they know, X is apparently phenomenal.

Then six months later you're frustrated because “they don't know how to make me orgasm.”

BABE. YOU TRAINED THEM WRONG. 😂

Sex isn't supposed to be one person performing while the other person tries desperately to earn a five-star review.

Good sex requires engagement, communication, curiosity, feedback, and enough psychological safety to say, “That's not doing it for me. Try this instead.”

And your partner needs to learn something too:

Your partner's orgasm is not a report card on your masculinity, femininity, attractiveness, or sexual worth.

Sometimes orgasm happens. Sometimes it doesn't. Pleasure, connection, arousal, intimacy, and satisfaction are not suddenly meaningless because nobody crossed a finish line.

So stop performing pleasure to protect someone's ego.

Give them the opportunity to actually learn you.

Because your partner doesn't need convincing that they're amazing in bed.

They need accurate directions.