“It’s Not Me, It’s… Actually, It Might Be You”: A Sex Therapist’s Guide to the Clean Break

Have you ever ghosted someone?

Are you the red flag?

Listen, sometimes it’s hard to be honest without being hurtful. There is a delicate balance between “I don’t think we’re compatible” and providing someone with an unsolicited PowerPoint presentation titled "Everything About You That Made Me Lose Interest.

But there is a balance. And honesty does not require cruelty.

From a therapist’s perspective, I see the other side of ghosting all the time. Clients can spend an entire therapy session wondering:

Did I do something wrong?

Did I say something?

Were they ever actually interested in me?

Are they going to text me again?

Did I completely misread this relationship?

Are they even okay?

And honestly, sometimes I’m sitting there wondering if you got hit by a bus.

Meanwhile, low-key, my client might be hoping you did. 😂

So, before we put that kind of energy into the universe, maybe just send the damn text.

A clean break is clear, kind, and final.

You don't have to explain every reason you don't want to continue dating someone. You don't have to convince them that breaking up is the correct decision. And they don't have to agree with your decision.

You just have to communicate it.

Try:

“I've enjoyed getting to know you, but I don't feel the connection I'm looking for. I don't want to disappear or leave you wondering, so I wanted to be honest. I wish you the best.”

That's it.

No “maybe later” if you know there won't be a later.

No “I'm just really busy right now” when what you actually mean is I'm not interested.

No disappearing for three weeks and then sliding back into their DMs at 11:47 p.m. because you're lonely.

And please, don't continue having sex with someone while slowly withdrawing from every other part of the relationship and hoping they'll eventually “get the hint.”

Rejection can hurt. Confusion hurts too, and it tends to linger.

You are not responsible for making sure someone feels absolutely no sadness, disappointment, or rejection when you end a relationship. Those feelings are part of being human.

You are responsible for how you choose to treat another human being while doing it.

So unless there is a safety concern that makes direct communication inappropriate, don't make someone solve a mystery when you already know the answer.

Be kind. Be clear. And for the love of therapy, please stop ghosting people.